In our omnichannel-oriented world, isn't it nice to know you don't have to adopt literally every channel?
There’s so much pressure these days on utilising all the channels all the time! (Ugh.) So we reckoned we’d lighten the perceptual load a bit. Give you a break, y’know? We’re gonna tell you about the channels you don’t need to worry about.
These little beasties were cutting edge back in the Victorian era. Like, if you wanted to text the queen to let her know you’d be late for crumpets in the rumpus room, you’d have been all like
DEAR QN -(STOP)- RNING L8 4 SOIRÉ -(STOP)- LST KEYS 2 CARRIAGE -(STOP)- SUPER SOZ -(STOP)-
Then you’d have nipped off to your closest electrical telegraph operator and jolly juniper berries they’d have sent it off faster than you could find your carriage keys.
Think of it as the world’s worst and lamest fax machine, only worse and lamer than that. Imagine being forced to talk to Donald Trump over Twitter or whatever. Let’s stop for a moment and reflect on how wonderful it is not to have to do this anymore.
But wait, let’s really stop and reflect on the fact that the last telegram was actually sent in— wait, can you guess? 1887? 1912?
If you guessed 2013, well done to you and your ability to utilise Google. Because verily, that is when India shut down its telegraphy service.
Contact centre analysts predict that telegrams will not be the most-adopted trend of 2018.
You may relax.
Have you ever felt like, y’know, standing around and waving some flags about? Perhaps to signal to your loved ones that you’re thinking of them. Or to inform your neighbour that you absolutely deplore his habit of smoking cigars on the balcony in the nude?
Look, we get it. Flags are really great. You can flap them about and if there’s a bit of a breeze they’ll make a cool fl-fl-fl sound. Also maybe you’re in the navy or something, which still totally uses semaphore and who are we to tell the navy what to do? It isn’t as if the navy has advanced much since semaphore’s invention in 1792 anyway.
But see here. We’re going to share with you some research-based insight: not a single one of your customers will ever want to communicate with you over semaphore.
To be honest actually we’re not sure about that admittedly controversial statement. But here’s a better one: if any of your customers attempt to engage with you via semaphore, you may safely send them a telegram stating the following:
LOL NO -(STOP)-
Fun fact: in 2009, South African telephony provider and all-round terrible ISP Telkom lost a data-transfer race to a homing pigeon.
No but seriously. The pigeon’s name was Winston. Stop laughing.
Winston, you see, carried 4GB of data on a flash drive between towns way, way faster than Telkom could via cables (that were probably made of string).
Carrier pigeons were legit back in the day. Those little packages of birdstuff – which we largely categorise now as the plague rats of the sky – could make or break your face back when Facebook didn’t hold the monopoly on emoji transmissions.
We like to think of genetic engineering as a modern thing, but really we’ve been genetically engineering the daylights out of everything with a glint in its eye for thousands of years through the practice of selective breeding. (FYI it’s still cheaper and more effective to create horrific capitalism creatures through selective breeding than gengeneering.)
Pigeons were not immune to our tendency to tinker things into submission. Homing pigeons are a product of human intervention, and owning a fleet of good’uns would have given you a truly significant edge in a conflict as recent as World War I.
In fact, a homing pigeon from that time was awarded a medal of honour, which is defs more than this writer has achieved in her 33 years of existence.
But hey, that doesn’t mean you need to activate Avaya’s pigeon module to get ahead of the game.
Sorry, we couldn’t resist.